I shall caution you but once, gentle reader, before I dive into the thick of this murky dread. What follows is a mental miasma of self implosion and psychological contortions. It is what keeps terror up at night with the shakes. To progress further is to stare directly into the beating heart of madness. It is the Sanity Check that you cannot outroll. You have been warned, and I absolve myself of the damage you welcome by continuing.

So, Sarah Palin (that’s not the damage). I said before that she was done, over, finished as an almost-was. That she would fade back into the mists of relative obscurity only to be trotted out as a punchline or a tutorial on How Not To Do Things. However, I never said she’d go quietly.

But she is going. Resigning, in fact, from the Governorship of Alaska with a full year and a half left in her term. Turning the reigns of power over to, well, actually, I have no idea who becomes the Governor now, but since the state was functioning for several years with Sarah Palin as their chief executive and Ted “Series of Tubes” Stevens as their senior statesman, I’d have to imagine that Alaska can’t possibly end up with worse leadership than a stick up her ass hillbilly and a ranting, raving old badger.

The big question is why, though. Why is she resigning as Governor barely more than halfway through her term? There are theories arcing across the Tubeosphere about it right now, ranging from an FBI investigation to a personal Marc Sanford style scandal. It’s easy content to take wild guesses about the motivations of a crazy person, especially if that crazy person happens to be famous. Her official reason is that she’s a lame duck Governor, and Alaska needs someone who can continue to lead. You know, speaking of crazy.

The problem is that her excuse is just noise. It’s nonsense. If a power saw tried to do an impression of television static, it would come out sounding like Sarah Palin giving a speech. I mean, she uses words, sure. But her words just don’t make any bloody sense. The Governorship of Alaska is a four year term. With a year and a half left on the clock, she’s already decided she’s a lame duck?  The mind reels at how brazenly full of shit she is. Am I to imagine, then, that if she were elected President (I know, I know, but humor the whack jobs for a minute), she’d only serve a six and a half year term? Wouldn’t want to lame duck it around the White House for eighteen months now would we?

Her other reason, you understand, is that she’s not a quitter. I actually like this line of thinking, because it helps to take the edge off of the lame duck excuse. I mean, that seems damn near logical next to the paralyzing thought that, in Sarah Palin’s mind, resigning her office for no reason is proof that she isn’t a quitter. I take a small amount of comfort in knowing that she neither understands nor believes the words coming out of her mouth. But still, like a small child starting a brush fire by playing with matches, the simple fact of her disingenuous nature does not at all detract from the fact that other human beings, many of them with at least some secondary education, are nodding their heads in approval of this bold and courageous move.

It was about eight months ago that I suggested Palin was the sort of self-aggrandizing con woman narcissist that would shit in her own hat and call it pumpkin pie if she thought someone would believe it. And if I didn’t say it then, really, I should have. When I suggested that she was proudly classless and grotesquely un-Presidential. When I proclaimed John McCain’s campaign officially over, wrung dry and left hollow by Sarah Palin’s alternating modes of political vampirism and pathetic attention whoring. I called her a stupid bitch and some people took offense. The woman just quit her job while telling people she isn’t a quitter. I’ll assume that there are apologies forthcoming.

The thing is, she’s sure she’s going to be the President one day. I can understand why – she’s likely surrounded entirely by suck ups and hangers on willing to fuel whatever aspirations and fantasies she conjures up in order to ride her name to success. And just the same way she made McCain’s already uphill battle into a soul crushing defeat, so will her thousand little vampires bring her down. The difference, really, is that McCain was smart enough to know better – but the old man let a little piece of ass he was never going to tap in the first place cloud his judgment. Sarah Palin? She believes her own shit doesn’t stink, and she judges other people based on whether or not they agree with her.

Though for a woman who won’t stop complaining about the media’s brutal and unjust treatment of her, she sure does seem eager to soak up as much media exposure as is humanly possible. For all of her pissing and moaning, she’d rush out in front of a speeding semi truck to get another interview with Charles Gibson or Katie Couric and she knows it. Because the one thing single most important thing that Sarah Palin can’t understand is that she isn’t already perfect.

You see, she didn’t embarrass herself taking questions about the Bush Doctrine or her weekly reading list or fungible energy sources or Vladamir Putin or whether abortion clinic bombers are terrorists or. . . well, you get the idea. She didn’t embarrass herself because of some shortcoming of her own. It was all those gotcha media journalist types. And now that she’s wise to their tricks, boy is she gonna show them a thing or two, you betcha.

It’s her defining characteristic, and it’s the thing that makes so many people so uneasy with her. Not coincidentally, it’s the thing that makes her so much like George Bush. Blame and fault are for other people, and if only we would judge her based on a theoretical set of circumstances that could have happened but didn’t, we’d see how great she is. She believes this down to her core, with every last fiber of her being. All of that humble, folksy charm bullshit is just that: bullshit.

So now Sarah believes that she’s too important to just be the measly Governor of Alaska. She’s a major player now, baby. She’s a superstar! And she has no intention of letting her fame and recognition dwindle up in those cold Alaskan peaks when she could be building up her Army of the Uninformed down in the lower 48s. You know, where all of those electoral votes come from. So Sarah Palin did what any homespun, real American would have done in her place. She quit her job and abdicated her responsibilities without any reason or warning whatsoever so she could come on down and strut her stuff. Maybe she’s forgotten how much bigger the pond is down here. I look forward to her re-re-education.

You know, when I said she’d be a relic by the next Presidential election, even I didn’t expect her to crash and burn in the first year. Even the right wing is turning on her, with a few notable exceptions like Bill Kristol. Bill thought her resignation was a brilliant move. Of course, he says the same thing about invading Iraq. And if if that kind of Cluster-Tasta-Fuckster-Phe is what passes in your mind for a job well done, then sure. Everything’s coming up roses for Sarah.

But back in the real world, Palin’s done. She’s too worn out to run for office, and she has neither the staying power nor the sufferability to transition into any sort of punditry / media celebrity. Crash and burn, sweetheart. Crash and fucking burn.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 at 4:26 pm and is filed under Politics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.