Odds are, most of you don’t know who John Gibson is. He’s got his own show on Fox News (the qualifications for which may vary depending on your personal opinions), and he looks like an otherwise normal man – provided that man’s head was being fingercuff gangbanged by seven gallons of hair mousse and a pair of oversized stage prop wax teeth. Seriously, I’m being nice here. Well, at least, I’m being as nice as I’m going to be to John Gibson today.
You see, Gibson had a guy named Stu Bykofsky on his show the other day. You almost definitely don’t know who he is, and when you find out, you may be able to feel your blood pressure raise by a few points. Stu Bykofsky is a rather unfunny columnist for the Philadelphia Daily News who said that to save America, we need another 9/11. And no, I’m not exagerating. That was actually the title of his fucking column. He basic tenant is that Americans are soft and lazy and aren’t steely-nerved enough for a real war, so the only way we’re going to get all rah-rah behind this pointless bullshit in Iraq is if we get attacked again. I’d explain in more detail, but it makes me too angry.
Now, in Stu’s defense, he later backpedaled on his original column, and explained to us, the stupid public, that he was talking purely in hypotheticals. That he was playing Johnathan Swift and we were just all too dumb to understand. Of course, if he were, you know, a good humor writer, that might have worked out for him. Unfortunately for Stu, he’s not.
So John Gibson had Stuey Boy on his show to talk about just how unpatriotic all of these “anti-war” people are, about how if only they had the vision and the courage of desk jockeys like Bykofsky and Gibson, who were both of military age during Vietnam, and neither of whom served, we’d be sure to win in Iraq. Of course, Gibson took it one step further by saying it was”going to take a lot of dead people to wake America up.” Of course, Gibson never mentioned exactly how many Americans he thinks need to die, or would be willing to sacrifice, for political gain. I wonder if he could quantify it for us. One, certainly, is within his scope. A hundred? A thousand? How many dead Americans are worth furthering your political point of view, John? A million? ‘Cause if you want to play hardball, jackass, fine. Let’s play.
But Gibson wasn’t done. Oh no. Gibson wound up talking about Jon Stewart over at Ye Olde Daily Showe. Specifically, about his September 20th, broadcast, the first night the show was back on the air after 9/11. If you’ve never seen the opening monologue from that evening, you really need to stop reading and go view it right now. I’ll wait. It was worth it.
Stewart’s speech was quite possibly the single most eloquent and heartfelt expression of disbelief and confusion and grief – and hope – in the days and weeks following 9/11. The insight and patriotism that Stewart exposed to his audience held the hearts of millions. For those eight-odd minutes, Jon Stewart was New York City. Gibson had no business, and no right, attacking Stewart for that monologue. It was a pathetic, jealous low blow and he knows it.
He can call Stewart a phony or a pansy all he wants, but deep down Gibson knows that he’s just another pathetic little chickenhawk. Always eager to send someone else off to die for what he believes, but lacking the conviction to do so himself. A hack so lame he barely deserves to be on the same station as major league hacks like O’Rielly and Hannity. A personality of such insignificant that Stewart didn’t even bother to mention his name a few days later, opting instead for “some idiot”. Me? Personally? I guess I’m just petty like that. So I’d like to use this opportunity to cordially invite John Gibson to pry off his helmet hair, wrap it around the wind up chattering chompers he passes off as teeth, and shove that entire package straight up his neoconservative ass.