I’m Back. . . Sort Of
Okay, so, yeah. It’s been a while. And I’ve been gone. And the three word descriptor of my serverlashed outrage has been all you’ve had to go on for a while now. Sorry about that. Catastrophe and mayhem ensued both online and in real life. Adennak.com is coming back properly, with a bit of streamlining, a restore of all the original posts and comments (even if I have to hand-slice them out of Google cache) and video, so you’ll all get to bear witness to my grainy mug and scratchy voice in visually underwhelming compressed flash format. Woo technology. I’ve got a few large issues to put forth, but first off let me do some some housecleaning.
Attention C Minus Journalism Graduates: Any device that connects to the internet can find porn. Whether that device is a personal computer, a Mac Powerbook, a Nintendo Wii or even Deep Bloody Blue (assuming Opera makes a browser for it). The internet has porn on it. That game consoles are able to view that porn because they can reach the internet is not news. Not even remotely. The fact that you are surprised that thirteen year olds are trying to see porn is stunning, as you clearly don’t remember anything about puberty. The fact that the age of the average gamer is almost thirty is utterly lost on you.
Attention Old Media: You assholes are dead to me. All I heard for the past three years is that blogs are jokes, blogs aren’t serious media, they aren’t held to any sort of journalistic standards which, judging by what gets pumped into my house on a 24/7 basis, are primarily comprised of not actually calling it a shit while you squeeze one out onscreen. Joe Kline’s thinly veiled Neoconservatism posing as moderation, getting his ass kicked in the mid-terms and then claiming Democrats won because they were moderates. George Will adjusting his bow tie just long enough to lie about the effects of a minimum wage hike and explain that bloggers are wrong about everything, completely glancing over everything he wrote from late 2001 to about three minutes ago. It’s not the magic of the internet, with its load times, chinsy video and inconvenient access that has stolen your thunder. It’s your own complacence and lagresse. That people are willing to trust some guy named HappyMonkey17 instead of your blown-dry stenographers is not the fault of the people.
Attention Sony: You got punked this round. Is the PS3 done for? No, not by a long shot. Are there some good games coming out for it? Yes, by next Christmas. Is it worth $600 right now. That depends on how many times you want to replay Resistance: Fall of Man. You can start bragging about shipping numbers when the units they ship do more than sit in stockroom floors. Right now, the PS3 is the absolute best way to watch Talladega Nights in 1080p. When the new Final Fantasies and Metal Gear Solid 4 come out, that will likely change. But please use from now until next winter to re-examine everything you did wrong, so you don’t slide into a GameCube-esque sandtrap of obscurity.
Attention George W. Bush: Have you ever not fucked anything up? Seriously? Ever? And does the rest of your life really work this way? Where you can continue to just fuck up worse and worse every day, but no one says anything to you? Is that just how pampered you are? Your little New Way Forward speech was virtually identical to the New Way Forward we were taking in October of last year, and the troop increase you’re suggesting is both the same schlock we’ve tried before as well as less than 10% of what your own Generals think would be needed to stabilize Iraq. The short of it is that everyone knows you have no plan, no ideas, and no intention of fixing the huge, smoldering mess that you made in Iraq. But you’ve still got two more years of aimless floundering, and you’ve decided to let more good soldiers die so you don’t have to admit what everyone already knows – that you fucked up the worst possible thing a President can fuck up. That’s an amazing display of No Balls Whatsoever, sir. Really.
Attention Internet: I’m back. Sort of. In this very, very ugly fashion. But it’ll get prettier. And update-ier. I’m sorry about the silence, gentle readers. It won’t happen again.