Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends. To the endless revolving quagmire of violence and loathing and doubt that is modern Iraq. It’s been a long time since America as a nation thought about Iraq – not nearly as long as it’s been since we finally brought our troops home, mind you – and yet here we are again, just a few years later, staring into the eyes of so very many concerned souls with so many dire predictions and warnings about a murderous madman raining terror down on a countryside so barren and undesirable that if it didn’t happen to be (more or less) on top of one of the planet’s largest reconstituted dinosaur sludge reserves, every patriot to the last would be happy to whistle past the graveyard and ignore it like so many other violent regions of Not First World Hell.
But sadly, oil. So sadly, Iraq. And predictably, the media. The folks over at CNN are trying their damnedest not to let their huge, throbbing erections show above the ten-panel split screen shots as they put on their super serious stiff upper lip faces and somberly prognosticate doom and turmoil in 1080p. You have to bet there is glee in the upper offices of America’s Most Self Satirizing News Outlet. Not even the haunting presence of Wolf Blitzer’s beard can bilk a missing plane indefinitely. But a war? Military action? Shit, that’s where CNN shines. Sure, you’ve got your Foxes and your MSNBCs and all the other little one hour a day chumps over on broadcast, but when America wants to tune in to some completely bullshit military analysis and watch a bunch of blow-dried pricks play soldier with a microphone, there’s only one place to go. THIS IS CNN!
And if that were the worst of it, I’d probably just hold my head in my hands for a moment and move on.
But I can’t do that, dear readers. I simply cannot bring myself to it. Because yesterday I saw a news clip, filmed in 2014, of Paul Wolfowitz sloshing around advice on how America should handle the new crisis in Iraq. Paul. Mother. Fucking. Wolfowitz. The same Paul Wolfowitz (then Project For The New American Century member) that spent years in the 90s trying to convince Clinton to invade Iraq. The same Paul Wolfowitz (now Deputy Secretary of Defense) who said we’d need a token army to maintain Iraqi peace after the invasion. The same Paul Wolfowitz (still Deputy Secretary of Defense) who told Congress that the reconstruction of Iraq would be immediately self funding due to oil profits. Yeah, that same Paul Wolfowitz (now currently not in prison for reasons that evade me) thinks he’s a fucking expert on a nation that he clearly knows dick about.
They’re bringing on Bill Kristol, too. Here’s a little reader challenge for you, sort of a fun internet game to play. Go find any clip of Bill Kristol talking, or read any article he’s ever published or contributed to. Now find one thing – one single bloody thing – he was correct about. He spent the first decade of this millennium with pom-poms in hand, cheering on every sort of needless, reckless, bullshit military adventure that the human mind could conjure. And he’s never right. Ever. About anything. I don’t even need to provide examples like with Paul Wolfowitz (still currently not in prison) because it is impossible not to find.
Yep, the neo-cons are getting the band back together to root for a third jaunt into Iraq in the last quarter of a century. And all the while they’re happy to suggest that this is all Obama’s fault for bringing the troops home (just like he said he would, just like the public wanted, and just like Bush agreed to before leaving office). One could argue that it’s actually the fault of the myopic morons who invaded without any sort of contingency plan. Or really without any knowledge besides the lessons they didn’t learn by all getting their Vietnam deferments. And I was about to do just that, when I saw Karl Rove come on television and say that bringing up the mistakes (and I use that word loosely) of the previous administration just plain isn’t fair because it’s old news. No al-Qaeda link? No WMDs? No liberator’s greeting? No fair, man.
No dice, Turd Blossom. You fuckers broke it. It’s been broken ever since. And now you’re going to turn around and tell us it’s our fault it’s broken, but you know how to fix it. And son of a bitch, but it sure sounds like the same military adventurism as last time. The same Team America: World Police bullshit you’ve always been selling. The same stark, absolutes-only game of Risk you’ve always fancied yourself as players in. Well fuck you. As soon as you lot opened your mouths to say anything other than, “Sorry we fucked that whole region up,” or, “How in the hell have we not been convicted of war crimes?” you opened yourselves back up to every criticism that has been rightfully levied against you. Your very recent record of colossally terrible insights into this exact problem – the very lack of insight that led to this problem – is not only fair game, but absolutely necessary. You maybe could have squeaked by if you’d kept your heads low, but your hubris got the best of you. Well now we’re going to take the past twelve years and smash your fucking teeth out with them, you war mongering no nothing fucks.
Now, the irony is that as bad as this ISIS situation is, it might not be the crisis of epic proportions that the media is making it out to be. . . if you can believe such a thing. Surely, it’s a splinter faction of al-Qaeda, but its primary beef is WITH al-Qaeda right now. And the lack of resistance it has met, thus far, is more due to geographic and cultural factors than anything else. It’s that tricky Sunni versus Shi’a dynamic that none of the masterminds behind Iraq 2: Electric Boogaloo were ever able to wrap their heads around. Yes, they are very well armed. And yes, they are very well funded. And yes, they are doing very terrible things (near our oil, mercy me). But the Sunni controlled ISIS is currently rolling through Sunni-dominated northern Iraq. When they hit Shi’a controlled Iraq (also known as Baghdad and everything south of it) that tune is going to change. Which is why Shi’a dominated Iran is so hot to sweep in from the north and pincer their asses.
And yes, America broke this already broken situation. We broke it and made it far, far worse than it already was. But maybe the best course of action isn’t half a million pairs of boots on the ground. Maybe we need to start fucking with other people’s countries just a little bit less. And maybe the absolute last people on the planet who should be giving advice on Iraq are the ones that completely fucked the pooch in the first place. I’m not saying I have all the answers. I’m saying that sons of bitches like Paul Wolfowitz and Lindsey Graham and John Bolton (and if he even dares to read his head, Dick Cheney) have NONE of them. The fact that they are even booked on television to speak with any sort of authority should not be tolerated by anyone, and will not be fucking tolerated by me. They should be drowned in the shame of their own sins as often and as publicly as possible until they realize how lucky they are to even have the option of crawling off to rot under rocks of their own choosing.